COMPARE THE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERKAT . COM

I feel so so so so trapped. I want to escape my body I want to escape my mind I don't want to be me any more. I want some control back. I want total oblivion. I want anything but this feeling. I want to take it away.....can't take back but I can take it away. I want it gone. This feeling I want it out. I want to clean it away. I'm back here back here again ....

Today has been super productive and I deffo should be giving myself a ten out of ten but because I'm me I'm killing myself over what I HAVENT done. And decided that what I havent done is far more important than what I have done. I'm feeling a full on lets-burn-the-candles-at-both-ends-until-you-burn-out situation coming on. In fact I'm looking forward to it. Bring it on I say. Go hardcore. Hardcore. Go. You know it. SO it's gonna be late nights and early mornings from now on... and I wander why I'm prone to the odd substance-addiction. I'd love to say I'm sorting it out but I kind of enjoy the feelings that come with chaos and over stress so I'm not.
Today went to the Gym. Did two hours. ftw!!! And tomoro I'm planning on doing the same because I want to be super fit super toned and less fat more fabulous. And strong. Strangely. I'm on a bit of a flex where I want to be all-powerful and muscular rather than weak and weedy and pale...possibly the death threats I recieved last week fuel this. I also spent three hours cleaning, tidying and generally letting of stress tonight which has proved fruitful only now there's less dirt....less for me to clean...argh! what am I to do. There's something rather rewarding about cleaning. What else have I done? Hm. Oh yeah I wrote a big fat old essay about my artistic brilliance in my sketch book very similar to the one I wrote when pissed last week onnly this one was less airy fairy idealistic and more realistic about my said brilliance. I'm going out tomoro night and I need to remind myself of this or I will end up in a fight/crying my eyes out/stabbed or asleep in a flower bed. Positive Mental Attitude People. Let's go.

I AM A GENIUS

Good morning. It is 3am and as per usual this is the time I decide to come alive. Unfortunte nocturnalism situationism. Ok. So today nothing happpened...apart from going to the pub, meeting a few friends and poking my stomach repeatedly thinking "this is why you always fuck things up. it's because you're too fat. If you weren't so fat things would be ok" and to a certain extent thats tru. If my mind wasn't dominated by fat thoughts I'd be ok. So I either change my body or change my mind. Currently I'm too mashed in my mind to do anything at all apart from exist in a limbo being pushed and pulled from pillar to post totally lost and confused. I love life. Win.
So. Last night.....I got really drunk. As usual. Made out with my friends ex and one of my best friends. Possibly due to the fact I was still reeling from breaking up with sort-of-booyfriend earlier that day which made me feel like a total idiot. I don't know where my head's at. I don't think it's very happy. But it's too apathetic to take me anywhere. I think I'll just keep drawing, keep painting and stop being hysterical. Bien Plan. Mais Oui..